WASHINGTON, D.C. - The FDA has fast tracked the Federal Reserve's COVID-19 vaccine, hailed as a revolutionary new treatment utilising moneclonal antibodies. The announcement came just hours after Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell stated that they have an "unlimited supply" of the vaccine and that it could be delivered rapidly to any household with a back yard or balcony large enough to land the Federal Reserve's new policy implementation drone. Markets reacted positively to the news, with the S&P 500 increasing by 3.58% on Thursday. The rise in equity indexes came despite the Department of Labor reporting its 9th consecutive week of record unemployment claims, as markets weighed future stimulus.
President Trump applauded the Food and Drug Administration for their decision to fast track the vaccine, saying it was much more likely to resolve the deadly pandemic than alternate vaccines being developed by the pharmaceutical industry. "I think it's a very great vaccine." President Trump told reporters "I've been taking the Fed's vaccine for weeks and it's very good. You people should be praising Jerome. He is an extremely, extremely smart man. He has worked out how to use this moneclonal approach, some people call them antibodies, I actually like to call it cloning money. And our dollar has never been stronger. Just ask the Chinese."
Trump has been criticised for lauding the Fed's still unproven vaccine program, which seeks to inject at least $10 trillion directly into the arteries of American households. Chairman Jerome Powell sought to reassure the market on Thursday telling CNBC that despite there still being 'kinks' to iron out in the policy, he was eager to launch the unprecedented program.
Questions remain around personalising the dosage of the vaccine, with the Fed explaining in a recent policy statement that in order to prevent overdoses, the amount of liquid cash injected into each household should be proportionate to the size of that house. "This is a tried and tested characteristic of our quantitative solutions" Powell stated in a recent press conference.
The Fed's vaccine strategy has been praised by members of the business community, with MGM Resorts CEO William Hornbuckle stating that the program "hasn't even started yet but has already saved our company." MGM Resorts issued $12 billion in junk bonds after the FDA announced they were fast tracking the vaccine's assessment for possible approval. It is widely expected that the vaccine will be approved by the government agency, with 24 out of 25 economists surveyed by Bloomberg suggesting it will be deployed into the marketplace by June 2020.
A protest movement has begun in Washington DC with residents complaining about the
sound being emitted by the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, which is responsible for the production of US banknotes. The sound has been described by protesters as a dull,
monotonal "brrrrr", with vibrations being felt around the building's 14th Street address. D.C. resident and aural rights activist Gina Thunderburger told Unp Times "It runs all night and on weekends, and we are pretty sure it is getting louder every week. I haven't slept in 5 days."